Why Aren’t You Calling Me ‘Dad’?
My adoptive father didn’t talk much and when he did, it wasn’t conversational. The phrases were typically six words or less: “Let’s go,” “Why is the garage door up,” or “ok.” During family dinners no one spoke. The silence was stifling. He upheld the middle seat at the kitchen table, I was on the left and his son on the right. As I ate dinner I would day dream about going to my room – my little world and being ok in my silence. Didn’t he want to know how my day went? Wasn’t he curious if I came in first or last at my track meet or that the cheerleading coach was furious that I only had underwear on under my skirt minus the burgundy shorts that accompanied the uniform? What about his own son – didn’t he want to hear about his goals?
One day we all went to the store – I recall it being a large one-story retail outlet that had limitless racks of clothing. Out of the blue my adoptive father looked at me and said, “why aren’t you calling me dad?” I shrugged my shoulders and walked away. All I could think of was, he wasn’t my dad and how uncomfortable I felt. Shortly thereafter I began calling him dad. It never felt right. Never. I can’t explain it.
How in the world did he pass it the adoptive parent screening process? Who gave him the thumbs up and said, yeah he will be a great father or that his home was a better situation than my foster home? The only conclusion I can draw is that oftentimes adoptive parents think they are doing foster kids a favor by “saving” them. Perhaps that’s what the system tells them – “these children need you.”
Actually the children need a loving environment conducive to growth and development. They need individuals that are willing to put in some good ole sweat equity and understand the nuances and circumstances of the child they are interested in. They need love, conversation…..they need to be taught.
My adoptive father never uttered the words, I love you. Perhaps that’s why I never felt comfortable calling him dad – I’m not sure.
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Unfortunately, a lot of people grew up in households in which no one talked about feelings, goals, dreams, or what happened during the day. Your adoptive father may have never heard the words “I love you” from his own parents so it may have felt foreign to him to utter them to you or his son. I can barely recall my own mother telling me that she loved me. She shows love through acts of service like cooking, cleaning, etc. (This is my take on the book “The Five Love Languages”). She probably didn’t hear the words “I love you” from her parents. I try to say “I love you” much more often as I get older but I know that I don’t say it enough especially to my own daughter. Although we are close and communicate a lot, I know I don’t show her the affection that she needs especially as she grows into young adulthood. I know this to be true because she has given me that feedback. I love and respect her even more for having the courage and maturity to ask for something that many adults can’t or don’t articulate.